Passing time with his BFF (best feline friend)

Nico loves to share the recliner with Sam.



Mail call.... Sam really appreciates all the cards family and friends have sent.

Seeing how Sam appreciates getting well wishes in the mail has convicted me that I have missed the opportunity in the past to cheer someone who is recovering from an illness or loss. It's not the quality of the card or the beauty of the verse, it's the love in action that is shown when someone takes the precious commodity of time to bless you.

I am reminded of a parable in Matthew chapter 25 that talks about how we are to treat others:

The Final Judgment
31 “But when the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit upon his glorious throne. 32 All the nations will be gathered in his presence, and he will separate the people as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will place the sheep at his right hand and the goats at his left.34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. 36 I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’37 “Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? 39 When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’40 “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’41 “Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons. 42 For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink. 43 I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn’t give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’44 “Then they will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and not help you?’45 “And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.

Sam and I appreciate the love and concern we have received from you.
Thanks.

Retail Therapy

Today was a small step on the road to recovery. Sam and I went out for about a half hour to shop for a few things for Sam. As we were driving along, we tried to remember the last time that Sam was out of the house for something other than a doctor visit or test, treatment, etc. To the best of our recollection, it was August 9th for a family reunion. Wow, how time flies when you’re having fun.

Ironically, both Sam and I had some retail therapy this weekend. On Saturday, I stopped by the mall and did something I rarely do; I got a "makeup makeover" at the Clinque counter. It's one of those things that makes a woman feel "girly" and pampered. It was fun. Is that pathetic? Probably, but you know what? I don't care because it was a distraction from everything - including this stupid election. Won't we all be glad when that is over?

Even though Sam decided he was up for a little change of scenery, not much else has changed with his condition – at least to the naked eye so to speak. What has changed is that more time has passed and we are 11 days away from the PET/CT Scan. We are in countdown mode.

Patience and Peace

Wednesday I had to stop by the Cancer Center to pick up new prescriptions for Sam and I had an opportunity to talk with Lori, Dr. Chen's nurse. After we exchanged pleasantries we talked about Sam's progress. She shared with me that another patient that has recovered from his type of cancer reported that she finally felt better after seventeen (17) months! Lori said that they typically tell patients that it takes about a year to recover from this treatment. I don't remember hearing that timetable; I think that might have registered in my memory.

Because it took a month for Sam to begin treatment after his first PET/CT scan I have been wondering if the treatment they developed would account for the possibility that the cancer would have spread. So, I asked Lori about the chemo drug they used, Cisplatin, thinking that maybe the reason they gave him Cisplatin was to kill any cells that may have spread to other areas of his body. Unfortunately, Lori said that Cisplatin is given to enhance the effectiveness of the radiation treatments. I think my eyes got larger at that moment as I realized that they weren't focused on whether it might have spread. Lori looked at me with understanding eyes and she said, "I know people don't understand this, but we treat the main problems first." I pushed her further for clarification and asked, "Since this drug moves systemically, wouldn't it destroy cancer cells in other parts of the body?" Her answer, "No, I don't think so. It's used to enhance the radiation treatments."

That was kind of a big gulp moment for me. I remember Dr. Chen remarking at our last office visit that radiation sometimes doesn't get all the cancer in the lymph nodes and if that's the case they can surgically remove them. So, all this means is that we won't know anything for certain until November 11th. Waiting is hard. It requires patience. I have learned in the past that asking for patience is a serious thing to ask for as those lessons tend to be painful. You know what they say - Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.


Like most people there have been plenty of times in my life that I have had to learn patience and to be honest that is one of the areas of my life where I still struggle. It probably has its roots in wanting to be in control. You know, one the the triplets of terror I mentioned in the past (expectation, perspective, control).


When you run into the grocery store for a few items and you are standing in the "express" checkout line waiting for the line that never seems to move, do you find you are impatient, or do you think of it as I do as an opportunity to do nothing and not feel guilty?


Truthfully, the grocery store example is one of the few times I exhibit patience when waiting. I can list about 15 other examples where patience is something I struggle with: calling a company and having to go through multiple layers of options before being able to talk with a human; commuter traffic; having a slow computer; giving computer tech support to a novice over the telephone; and chief among them for me has been waiting for test results on Sam's condition.

Gal 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is: love, joy, peace [or, freedom from anxiety], patience, kindness, goodness [or, generosity], faith,


So, now I think maybe it's better to ask for peace - aw heck, who am I kidding, I need the whole bowl of fruit.

So, if I were to list our prayer needs, the biggest need is for Sam's relief from pain. He would love to be able to swallow and not have pain. He is weary of being ill and would love to be able to see some measurable progress. Patience. Patience. Patience. Waiting is hard but we have HOPE; and knowing that others are praying for us and have shown us kindness - that makes it bearable.

Refresh your mind

When you are viewing a website; periodically it helps to "refresh" the screen so you can see the most current, useful or even important information. I think the same thing is true of our mind.

Obviously there is no button to push to refresh or renew your mind, but do we even recognize the need? May I suggest that the refreshment comes when there is an inner desire to view things with a new perspective or even an outward force that drives you towards that end?

I've mentioned before that Sam's illness has brought a new challenge to our life together. Over the years things change and we adapt because there is time to adjust. This new twist in our circumstances came about so quickly, it is challenging to adapt to the emotional impact and so it requires a constant refreshing of our minds/hearts.

Sam and I talk from time to time about how this life experience fits together with the rest of life. Would this experience be any different for us if our belief system was different than the ones we hold? Have we learned anything about ourselves or about our beliefs through this experience?

Looking back over the years, I can see how our lives were molded and transformed by the path we walked. In the last few years however, for a variety of reasons, I have felt like I've been in a spiritual rut and in need of refreshment. Well, let me tell you, there is nothing like this experience to knock you down to your knees. But, that is the best place to receive refreshment.

There is a proverb that says, "The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a broken spirit who can bear?

It's hard for Sam to deal with the very slow healing process from his treatments. The change in his condition one month after his last radiation treatment is there, but barely recognizable. He just wants to feel better again and it is difficult when that process is taking so long. At times it can feel like there is no upside, but then we are reminded that without this treatment there was no hope. Hope. That’s the refreshment.

We hope that the medical treatments will "sustain Sam’s infirmity”, but there is only one healer and hope in Him mends our broken spirit.

Sam and I hope to be able to put this chapter behind us in a few weeks after his PET/CT scan. We look forward to a day when we can have some fun together again... like a Halloween party at Dean and Valerie's house.



Well, have a smile on us. And remember to count your blessings - when you look for the good things in life, you will find them and usually they will outweigh the bad.

Things that really matter

If you are wondering how Sam is feeling, the report is that not much has changed. Now, on its face that statement might sound negative, but I'll try to give you my spin.

On October 5th I wrote:

Sam is still on serious pain meds because he continues to have tremendous pain especially when trying to swallow or talk. He is not taking any food by mouth; still has a lot of mucus secretion and is tethered to a feeding pump taking in about 1500 calories per day, a process that takes from 11-12 hours to complete. I know he is frustrated at times because he feels like he has been this way forever. Because his progress is so slow it’s hard for him to see any and he’s tired of being a zombie.

Almost ten days later, what has changed? Not a whole lot. But, on the positive side he's not any worse. Sam has increased the amount of formula intake from 70 ml to 90 ml per hour which means that it now only takes about 10 hours to finish 32 ounces of formula for 1500 calories. The next goal is to add an additional can (for 1875 calories) since he still is not taking any food by mouth. Coughing up the mucus secretions have reduced from maybe 50 times/day to about 30 time/day. He is still taking significant pain meds, but apparently that is typical for this treatment.

About a week ago he tried some apple juice and it tasted so awful to him that he only took a sip. Maybe this weekend he will try some cream of wheat cereal or oatmeal. Because he still has tremendous pain swallowing and talking he isn't inclined to try to swallow food --- I can't say I blame him.

Last week Sam had a couple of visitors and while he enjoyed the visits, all the talking was too hard on his throat and now he isn't talking much at all in an attempt to reduce the pain. He's using a white board and dry erase marker to communicate. Once in a while he will try "Sam sign language", but that just drives me crazy. It's like trying to play charades - but totally frustrating in this circumstance.

This past weekend our son Max and our daughter-in-law, Leslie, came in from Chicago for a visit. It was really nice to see them and even though Sam felt bad because he couldn't talk much and had to nap a lot, I know it lifted his spirits to see them.

Like Sam, Max enjoys cooking and on Saturday night Max, Leslie and I cooked and enjoyed eating a meal together. Since Sam has not been eating food by mouth, the one thing that I really miss is sharing a meal with him. So, it was really nice to sit down at the dinner table together.

Sam looks pretty good in this picture. You might notice that the skin burn he had on his neck from the radiation is now cleared. While he is still very thin, he's still alive. Thin doesn't matter when you are fighting for your life. Life is short and when someone you love has cancer, you become keenly aware of the things that are important in life. It brings into focus what you truly value. I value Sam.

I'll leave you with this: Be kind to each other, tender hearted, forgiving one another - even as God, for Christ's sake has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32.

UnRaveled

Suffering seems to make us dig deeper and question things. Why is this happening to me? Why now? What am I to do about this situation? How can we make sense of all this?

Last night, before Sam and I turned in we talked a little about this issue hoping to understand our desire for his cancer experience to make sense. We wondered - Is it that we hope that our lives matter and that we are here to accomplish something or make a difference in the world? Why do we want or need for things to make sense? Are we questioning the sovereignty of God? Does God need us to accomplish his plans?

As we wrestled with those questions we considered - Does our desire to make a difference become an idol in our lives? Is it about our needs? It’s the concept that even good things can become idols and because they are good, it is difficult to see how they can rule our lives.

Like they say, “It’s all about me.” Consider the trio: self-righteousness; self-deception and self-pity.

I draw from my Study Notes from, “Gospel Transformation”, a course Sam and I took a few years ago:

Self-righteousness
Pride by its very nature does not see itself. It comes with a “cloaking device.” When I am right and claim it, then I become self-righteous and cannot see my own failings in a given situation. When I cannot see my sin, I become insistent and demanding in my relationships with others.

Self-deception: I am right, therefore I cannot be wrong.
I am right. (self-righteousness)
If I am right, then you are wrong. (condemnation)
If I am not wrong, then how can I possibly be wrong? (self-deceived)

Self-pity is the loss of hope, rooted in our inability to make life work on our own terms.
I can do this. I can make this work (self-motivation)
I failed. (I am powerless)
How could I have failed? I know I can do this (Self-pity: I look bad to others)

Then there is the classic question people always ask; why do bad things happen to good people? This question is really a loaded question. First of all how can we be sure (aside physical discomfort and possibility of mortality) that having cancer, for example, is a “bad” thing to have happen to you? Consider that trials produce perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And then we can question; who is really good?

All these questions bring to mind the first question Satan posed to Eve, “Did God really say…?” Instead of focusing on all the good things God gives us, we focus on the negative. The ultimate suggestion by the “enemy”, God does not really love you, because if he did, he would not allow you to go through this; or he wouldn’t be so restrictive; or not answer your prayers. We stumble when we put our faith in ourselves instead of trusting God for everything.

Sam’s healing process is moving so slowly we see little change with his physical condition. He still has major pain swallowing and talking; mucus; is not sleeping well; etc. I have been carrying stress in my back. It is very tight and after going to my chiropractor and being cleared for any problem, I chalk it up to stress. No doctor can aleviate our maladies; it requires time and for us to exercise our mind and be reminded to put all our cares in God’s hands. In Matthew 11:28, Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give your rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

We never really came to any final conclusions last night, but after praying and giving it over to our Lord, we rested.

Sam's Progress - oh so slowly.

The healing process seems to be moving along at a snail’s pace. Sam is still on serious pain meds because he continues to have tremendous pain especially when trying to swallow or talk. He is not taking any food by mouth; still has a lot of mucus secretion and is tethered to a feeding pump taking in about 1500 calories per day, a process that takes from 11-12 hours to complete. I know he is frustrated at times because he feels like he has been this way forever. Because his progress is so slow it’s hard for him to see any and he’s tired of being a zombie.

People often ask me how I’m doing. Like this morning at church, a dear friend told me I looked really good for what I’m going through. I don’t usually take compliments very well - I either laugh or feel embarrassed but this time my friend’s comment triggered in my mind other comments and questions I’ve received as Sam and I have been going through this experience. Like: How are you really doing? You seem so strong, are you sure you’re okay? I don’t think I could handle it if this happened to my spouse or someone I love.

The first time you hear the words, “You have cancer.” they sound larger than life. When others hear about Sam’s cancer diagnosis I think they, like we did at first, imagine it in its totality. But after the initial shock and as treatment begins, you find that it is a process that you deal with incrementally. Also, each cancer treatment is different and each person responds to treatment differently so you really don’t know what to expect and doctors don’t give you too much information. I guess it’s because they don’t want to speculate.

People seem surprised that I am not falling apart or something. Aside from the fact that there is too much to contend with on a daily basis, I believe that God just gives us the grace we need to make it through each day when we lean on him. I like how my friend Gloria Baldauff put it in her blog about her husband Jim who is battling cancer.

Quote:
“I've always said I could never be the mom of ten unless I had mom-of-ten grace. I couldn't bury a child, unless I had bury-a-child grace. I could never be a martyr for Jesus unless I had-martyr-for-Jesus grace. (However, I love him so much, that I might fight that one in my flesh. But he's so gracious, he wouldn't make me do it myself.) I never thought of it in terms of manna, but I've always known that anything I've ever gone through that was tough was because HE gave me the grace to go through it. And He has given me the grace I need for this. I know that. And He'll give me the grace for the next day and the next day.... And it's still hard. Still very, very hard.”

As I was getting ready for church this morning I had the radio tuned to the local Christian radio station and heard someone talking about joy. I liked his five suggestions for not losing your joy:

1. Be honest with God and walk in the light. “Walking in the light” means following Christ completely. As we trust in God and are made “truly His,” He will turn our path from darkness to light, for “God himself is light.”

2. Don’t let the world steal your joy – the world will try to convince you that God is imaginary and you are foolish to believe in a God you can’t see, hear or touch.

3. Don’t let other people choose your feelings for you.

4. Don’t live in regrets – live with your back toward the past

5. Choose to rejoice.

He also referred to one of my favorite passages, Philippians 4: 4-9
(4) Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! (5) Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.
(6)Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
(7) Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
(8) And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
(9) Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

Joy can be engaged regardless of how a person feels and our inner attitudes do not have to reflect our outward circumstances. True peace or joy is not found in positive thinking, in absence of conflict, or in good feelings. It comes from knowing that God is in control. Life is easier when you surrender control to Him.

That’s how Sam and I make it through each day.
Sam and I again want to thank all of you for your prayers on our behalf and for the love you have shown us.