Today was a day of frustration and discouragement for Sam. Truthfully, I'm surprised it took him so long to get to this point. He is exhausted from constantly coughing up mucus; not getting enough unbroken sleep and he still has quite a good bit of throat pain. He is extremely thin (about 130 pounds now) from not being able to consume enough calories because of the nausea and looks like he's been in a POW camp. It is difficult to look at him and not be appalled. My only hope is that in a few days he will start to feel better and be able to consume more formula so he can get stronger.
This afternoon, he shook his head and said, "Pathetic, huh?"
I pulled out an old photo album and we looked at pictures of him from 1976 when we first met and I told him that I'm in love with him as much today as I was all those years ago - actually - I love him more now than I did then.
This week we will celebrate our 32nd wedding anniversary and even with all the ups and downs of life, and we have had our share, I can't imagine how I could love him more.
One of our first dates Feb. 1976
Tonight, as he was getting ready for bed he asked me to promise him that I would not become sick. I said I couldn't make that promise. He said he hoped I never have to go through what he's had to go through. I asked him to promise me that he would get better. He said he would. In reality, neither of us has the ability to make those promises come true... it's out of our hands.
A line from the movie, Gone with the Wind, comes to mind: [Scarlett O'Hara]
"I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow."
If you pray for us, you might ask God for physical and mental strength for Sam; stamina for me; relief for Sam from the nausea and pain and most of all, grace that is sufficient.
In 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10, Paul talks about having a "thorn in the flesh" (some sort of illness):
"(7) So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a
messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. (8) Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. (9) Each time he said, “My grace sufficient for you need. My power is made perfect in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. (10) That’s why I delight in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
It says in the footnotes, that Paul's illness was unknown because Paul doesn't say. But it kept Paul humble, reminded him of his need for constant contact with God and benefited those around him as they saw God at work in his life.
I can only hope that through this experience others will see God at work in our lives (because we believe He is) and that somehow we might be able to encourage others who are suffering.
3 comments:
Sam And Maddy, Your writings inspire me so but I could never put in words the way you do. This is Eric's mom and as you know Bill and I are going through a similar thing with cancer. Bill will be starting his 3rd. week of radiation and chemo pills and we have our first return visit to the chemo doctor tomorrow and blood work. They warned us that it would feel like its all ok the first few weeks but to expect the worst sunburn ever when its over. We have been on a holistic couple of months and out-of-pocket expenses so far but another sigmoid scope told us it was time to go the conventional route. No one should have to endure what they put cancer patients though and I told the doctors that. I KNOW there is a better way.......We're hoping that the oils and supplements that Bill has been on will fortify his body for what is to come. We pray for the best for you both. Bill and Marla Gleason
Thanks for your comment Marla - and your compliment on my writing. I don't think I really have a special talent, I just try to tell the truth of what's going on and try to be real about what I am thinking/feeling and it just seems to flow. I have found that it is a good way for me to express what I am experiencing and if I kept it bottled up, I would probably spontaneoulsy combust. I would encourage you to try it - even if you just keep your own journal. I have found that this is the most efficient way to inform everyone of Sam's situation.
If you ever want to talk by phone, email me mrkarpiak@hotmail.com and I will send you my number - or you can get it from Eric (I don't want to post it here)this experience is sometimes more difficult on the persons close to the cancer patient because you feel helpless and it's difficult to see someone (especially someone you dearly love) suffer. Sam and I will be praying for you both.
Hi Maddy:
I got home from the hospital at about 9:00 p.m., listened to a few messages and checked your blogged and prayed a simple prayer the way you asked. And I looked at your picture and I cried and I said, "Lord, Sam and Maddy love each other and need each other too."
Nothing poetic or special about that, but it just struck me as I looked at the young picture of you guys. There's a lot of history there. A lot of stories and a lot of love. I just want you to know that someone out there feels that and wants God to continue that for you.
Have a wonderful anniversary in the cancer way.
Okay, this is where I laugh. What the H E double hockey sticks does that mean? I have noooooo idea what that would look like. Let's see. Say "cheers" as you clink Ensure cans together? Um....okay. I'm all out of ideas.
Really, look at more pictures, remember and continue to hope.
Sam, I don't know you and have never met you, but I would like to some day soon. You are a brave man of God, and I pray the worse is over for you, my brother.
Love Gloria
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