Last week, my friend Catherine asked if there was anything she could do to help or if there was anything I needed. For the most part, we don’t have any projects that need an extra pair of hands but the one thing I miss is sharing a meal with someone; so I answered, “I’d love to go out for dinner.” and so she and I and another friend, Yvonne, met for dinner tonight at a local restaurant.
As I pulled out of my driveway, I decided to just enjoy the drive so I turned off the radio and began to anticipate our meeting. People always ask me how I’m doing and without really thinking, I usually say, “Okay.”, but Catherine and Yvonne are the kind of friends that really want to know how you are and I began to do a little soul-searching.
I’ve said to others that I’m kind of numb and that I don’t have any feelings, and as I contemplated I thought it’s kind of like watching a suspense movie… you hold your breath waiting for something to scare you. Like in the movie Wait ‘Til Dark where, "A recently blinded woman (Audrey Hepburn) is terrorized by a trio of thugs while they search for a heroin stuffed doll they believe is in her apartment"; and being “on the edge of my seat” hoping she wouldn’t be harmed before the movie was over. It’s a bit like that – maybe not that intense.
But when I really dug deeper, I asked myself how my situation is any different from every day life? None of us typically know ahead of time whether we will be in an accident that day; or we will be wiped out on Wall Street; or our spouse will leave us; or a child become ill; or our husband be stricken with cancer or some other illness…so why don’t we live our day-to-day lives holding our breath for something bad to happen? I guess a few superstitious people do, but most of us don’t live like that. None of us know what will happen 5 minutes from now so we just don’t focus on 5 minutes from now. Most of the time, most of us live in the now -- which is really all we have anyway. Tomorrow is not promised, is it?
Our situation is a little different in that we know that we have an event in the near future where we might not get the answer we want about Sam’s illness. I wish I could be like Rip van Winkle and wake up three weeks from now. It’s hard to wait for answers.
Sam's condition has improved minutely. I reminded him today that he didn’t need to take his anti-nausea pill. That’s progress. He still has tons of mucus and is not sleeping well because of it. But, his condition will improve in time. It’s just a very difficult illness to live with.
Our biggest prayer request is that Sam’s PET/CT scan on Oct. 20th will be clear. That would be a huge answer to our prayers. I am trying not to hold my breath until October 28th when we get the results of that test… I must remind myself to, “just breathe” and trust God for the outcome.
Thanks to all of you for your comments; cards you sent and email well-wishes. Sam loved it. It’s nice to hear that people are praying and pulling for you.
Joyfully yours,
Maddy
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Hi Maddy:
Nice to see the update. When I didn't see one, I got nervous. I wrote you an e-mail, and once again, I could not send it. It's your roman...address. Could you please resend me an e-mail so I have your correct e-mail. This is the third time that I have done this. All that beautiful prose out there in the draft box.
You know, what you talk about in regards to waiting for the PET scan date is something that there is a name for in the cancer world. I forget what they call it. Many experience it, whether it's a breasts cancer forum, or on the Lymphoma Leukemia forum, many talk about the waiting of the first scan.
If we were driving to California in 3 weeks, we wouldn't be sitting around worrying about the potential of an accident on such a long drive, we would be anticipating the fun things we would see and the adventure. With the PET scan, we don't sit around anticipating the words "it's gone." And we don't think the opposite either, "it's still there." We choose not to think at all. If we think the one and it's the other it's too hard, and vice-versa.
So, we just kind of exist in this limbo. A limbo of not full hope, but not dispair, not death, but not full life, not a red light, but not a green light. A yellow light. A pause.....a very long pause. A flashing yellow light...proceed with life with caution. No wonder we turn the "feeling" nob down.
It's enough to drive an insane woman even more insaner. (I'm talking about me here now, not you. But you can join me if the shoe fits.)
I love you and am praying for you guys.
Love Gloria
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